xxkadexx

Day One ~ 500 calories

My Thinspo
                                                                         


My Stats
Height ~ 5’9
ABC SW ~ 168.6lbs
CW ~ 168.6lbs
GW1 ~ 163lbs
GW2 ~ 159lbs
GW3 ~ 153lbs



My Intake
3 cups of coffee with splenda ~ 15 calories
Banana ~ 110 calories
40oz of Water ~ 0 calories
Bologna Sandwich ~ 370 calories
1 piece of gum ~ 5 calories

500/500



My Outtake
1 mile of walking
30 minute psycho crying freak-out session



My Thoughts
Today wasn’t a great day for me, but food wise, everything is starting off good. I can’t believe I have fucking hunger cramps. But unlike the other times, I’m not going to eat. I deserve this. I deserve to feel this pain. I NEED to be thin. I need something to be going right in my life. I need to be the center of attention for a good reason for once.
Sorry, just all this college stuff is really stressing. I think I’ll just take a shower and go to bed early; it would do me some good, lol. Getting like…a full 8-9 hours of sleep would be amazing.
Ok, it’s decided then. Day One of ABC = SUCCESS!!! YAY!!!
Depression is awesome; you completely lose the will to eat!

Day Two ~ 500 calories

My Thinspo 

My Stats
Height ~ 5’9
ABC SW ~ 169.2lbs
CW ~ 167.6lbs
Gw1 ~ 165lbs
Gw2 ~ 162lbs
Gw3 (by Halloween) ~ 159lbs
 

My Intake
1 cup of coffee with splenda ~ 5 calories
Lean Cuisine ~ 300 calories
Apple ~ 90 calories
Donut ~ 120 calories

515/500
 

My Outtake
30 minutes of cardio
1 mile of walking
20 minutes of weight training
 

My Thought
Went a little over today. Not so sure how I feel about that. I feel like I made it up though at the gym. I’m so glad I went to the gym again. DAMN, I can actually FEEL my abs for once. They hurt so bad, LOL. But it’s that good hurt. The hurt that lets you know you’ll make it there eventually. I like that hurt. I’m a fucking masochist with regard to that kind of hurt. YAY for self-mutilation!

Day One ~ 500 calories

My Thinspo

My Stats
Height ~ 5’9
ABC SW ~ 169.2lbs
CW ~ 169.2lbs
Gw1 (by 10/18) ~ 163lbs
Gw2 (by 10/23) ~ 159lbs
Gw3 (by Halloween) ~ 155lbs

 

My Intake
1 cup of coffee with splenda ~ 5 calories
Lean Cuisine ~ 280 calories
4oz Diet Pepsi ~ 0 calories
32oz water ~ 0 calories
McDonald’s fruit and yogurt parfait ~ 160 calories
Small apple ~ 55 calories

500/500

My Outtake
45 minutes of cardio
25 crunches on the ball
 

My Thoughts
Ok, so today is my new start of ABC, and I feel like I did pretty good. I managed to eat the EXACT amount of calories that I intended, and I went to the gym for 1.5hours, and even did real crunches on that big ball thingy. I felt so hardcore, LOL. I LOVE going to the gym. I really don’t know why I don’t go more then I currently do. I feel amazing, and I KNOW that the evil number on the scale will be lower tomorrow. Today was a good day. I miss having good days. A LOT.

On a person level, I have a date Sunday. Date number two to be exact. Date number one was a little…awkward. See, he’s REALLY shy, and I feel guilty, because he paid like…$40, and I feel like he got nothing out of the deal. It doesn’t have to do with the fact I’m fat, it’s more that he’s REALLY shy. I’m just not used to boys paying and not trying to get something out of the deal. (Note- I’m a complete and total virgin, as in no activity below the belt at all, but if a guy shells out lots of cash for me, I feel the need to make it worthwhile for him. Like…a 30sec grope-fest, or a nice make-up session; SOMETHING). And this boy, he’s 3.5 years older then me, and 6inches shorter then me, but we have the same sense of humor. Either way, I want to look nice for our date, so I need to lose at least 5lbs by then, lol.

I hope ABC continues to go this well. I hope I can stay close to the calories this time around; the other times I would go over my like…50-100 calories. It was insane, lol. But I’m really excited. I feel like things might actually be working out for me for once. I love the feeling ABC gives me. It’s completely amazing. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and see the number on the scale go down.


Lots of love and luck lovelies! 



~Kade

I just wish that for once, I could feel worthy of love. I push it away, in any shape or form, because I feel so unworthy of love. It’s why I’m so awkward, and why I push everyone away. All I want is for someone to love me the way I need to be loved.

Because no matter what they say, I can’t trust them when they tell me I’m beautiful, because I just don’t believe them. When you hate yourself, it makes it really hard for other people to love you. I understand that, but I can’t stop the way I feel. I desperately want someone to love me, but they never will.

I’m too fat for anyone to love. I’m to damaged for anyone to want. I’m to desperate for anyone to take me seriously. And it’s depressing.

Even if I do lose the weight, I’m still going to be incredibly f*cked up, so will losing 40lbs really change anything? It will make more guys want to sexually engage me, but I don’t want that. I want someone to love me.

Why is that too much to ask for?

~Kade

Alright. So the last few days have been pretty amazing honestly. I’d been in a plateau for a really long time now (nearly two months), and I finally came out of it! I had been 171-175lbs for soooo long, and in a matter of less then a week, I’ve lost 5lbs. I lost 4lbs in four days, today being day four. I woke up at 166.6lbs, which is AWESOME!

I’ve been so excited, I haven’t even really wanted to eat all that much. I mean, I do, but I don’t, ya know? It’s like, I suddenly was hit with this ability to not binge. I gained control seemingly overnight, which is amazing in and of itself. Completely.

Homecoming is on October 25^th. Halloween is on October 31^st. I NEED to be in the 140s before then. If I can keep this up and not hit another plateau for a while, then I should be able to get where I want.

I’ve had to abandon my weight-loss schedule which is really depressing. But I’ve made a new one, one that I think will work right now. I think I can actually make these goals, since I’m not at a plateau anymore. [SOOOO EPIC]

Weight-Loss Schedule (til Halloween)

09/08: 166lbs
09/15: 163lbs
09/22: 161lbs
09/29: 159lbs
10/06: 157lbs
10/13: 154lbs
10/20: 151lbs
10/25: 148lbs***
10/31: 145lbs***
 

I figure this will work, because I’ll be losing 2-3lbs a week, which I think is totally doable. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lower. Somehow I doubt that I’d be in the 130s by then, but who knows, maybe. There’s always a chance.

I haven’t been going to the gym a lot, but I think I’ll go today. Even if it’s just for an hour, it’ll be worth it. Well, I think so anyway. Extreme restriction can only get you so far; exercise helps. A lot. How knows, maybe I’ll drop another pound tomorrow. That’d be awesome. Seriously.

I hope everyone else is feeling as amazing as I am right now! And if not, just remember that tomorrow is another day! ^-^

~Kade

Ok, so if you've checked my weight-loss schedule in the last few days (which I doubt anyone besides me has done) I have changed the beginning dates, and added an extra month to accommodate my new GW, which is 115lbs.

Yes, I realize it's a little stupid to make a new GW when I'm nowhere near my current one, but STILL. I think I would look pretty freakin good at 115. Ideally anyway. I doubt I'd be a size zero or something, but I'd probably be close, like a 2 or 4. I have huge hips, so I doubt I would ever be as low as a zero, but size doesn’t matter! {LOL} Well, much anyway. I want to be thin. I want to see bones.

But I keep changing the schedule to accommodate my inability to lose the f*cking pounds. Either way, I am newly motivated right now, and I think everything will go better. Ideally, once again. Ideally I think everything will work out, and I should be 115lbs by December 15. Which would be AWESOME. So I just have to lose 57lbs between now and then. And with school starting Monday, and studying, and work, and friends, and clubs, I doubt I’ll have much time to eat anyway.

I’ve had 800cals today all at once (at a party, family forced me) but when I got on the scale it still said 173lbs, which is AWESOME, because lately I’ve been 173lbs when I wake up and weigh myself. I was 173lbs after I had disgusting food sloshing in my stomach.

I don’t plan on eating until Monday except some fruit before work tomorrow at 4:30, so I think I might be able to get down to 170lbs by the time I wake up for school. Ideally anyway. I might be a fat ass going back, but by the time I get back from winter break I’ll be gorgeously thin, so that’s nice to look forward to. I know I’ll weigh 172 when I wake up tomorrow because I was exactly 173.0lbs an hour ago, I’m just hoping its in the lower 172, like 172.2 or .3 or something. That would be great! And then I know I’ll lose at least 1.5lbs if I only eat that fruit tomorrow, so I think there’s a real chance I could be down to 170 by Monday morning. Hopefully.

When school starts I plan on eating a 60cal yogurt in the morning before school, then grabbing a kasha bar to eat during the day for emergencies, then all my after school crap, and then maybe Lean Cuisine’s for dinner and more yogurt as a snack, so I should be coming in at less then 600cals a day. Ideally. It’s what I’m aiming for.

F*ck, I feel so exhilarated now, like this is TOTALLY attainable. It’s AWESOME! And I love it massive amounts.

Please continue doing amazing girls, I love you LOTS!

SS & TT

~Kade